


The Star System

by Linorien



Series: Q branch short stories [6]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Captured Together, Community: MI6 Cafe | mi6_cafe, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23727127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linorien/pseuds/Linorien
Summary: Three 00s and one Quartermaster have been captured and held in a storeroom with no hope of escape. And that is concerning, but not as concerning as learning that 009 had earned a weekend trip with Q for returning equipment.
Series: Q branch short stories [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/694641
Comments: 8
Kudos: 47
Collections: MI6 Cafe Collections





	The Star System

**Author's Note:**

> For [Choose Your Own Adventure April](https://mi6cafe.wordpress.com/2020/04/01/choose-your-own-adventure-april/): Goldfinger Mansion: Use a trope you’ve never used before. I chose to do the trope: and then they were captured together  
> Not beta'd, we die like foolhardy men.

“Bloody hell, not you too.” James Bond was led into a cramped storeroom off the main warehouse. It was meant to be a short mission. Juts a hop across the channel to rescue an MI6 accountant who been captured on holiday. No one knew yet how his captors knew his job, but that was not for Bond to question. 

What he did question was why 003, 009, and Q of all people were all doing here, tied up in three corners of the room. 

“Why are you here?” he questioned. 

Bond was marched over to the remaining chair in the fourth corner and roughly shoved him into it. Transferring his handcuffed hands to the bar on the wall. Bond flinched slightly when the new position pulled at old scar tissue. 

“Same as you,” Q replied. “We were played.” Clearly he blamed himself. 

His captor spat something as he left the room but Bond wasn’t listening. He was instead inspecting the others, trying to gauge how much torture he would have to prepare for. 

“How long have you been here?”

“Couple days for me,” 003 said. “Then Q joined with 009 only a few hours later. So far they’ve just left us alone.”

“Won’t even brew us a poor cuppa,” 009 added. 

So no torture apparently. Although that still didn’t answer the question, “Q? Why you? You never leave London.”

“I do too,” he pouted. “If you must know, I was treating Christie to a bakery tour of Picardie as a reward for returning fifty pieces of equipment and our cabbie was not certified.”

“I did say we should’ve borrowed that new Jag I know you’ve got in the garage.”

“It’s not road ready yet, I told you.”

“Fifty?!” Bond interrupted. 

009 turned to him with slightly furrowed eyebrows and a hint of a smile. “What, like it’s hard?”

Emotional torture then. 

* * *

An hour later and Bond would do anything to stop listening to 009 flirting with Q. The quartermaster didn’t even seem to realise it was flirting. He was delightedly brainstorming ideas for gadgets with her and discussing possible uses. 

“Isn’t that secret?” Bond tried to get them to stop. “What if they are listening?”

Q shook his head. “They didn’t even search me so they haven’t turned off the jammer in my shoe. Impossible for them to hear us unless they are right outside that door.”

“You know you could probably make a rebreather fitted for the nose so that you could still talk while breathing the safer air. Not as useful underwater, but for gas attacks you could get civilians out without endangering yourself.”

Bond tried to distract himself by reviewing verb conjugations in each of the languages he knew.

* * *

Some time later he wished he was listening to the flirting again. Anything would be better than 003 butchering “Fly Me to the Moon,” followed by “Luck Be a Lady,” followed by “On Green Dolphin Street,” followed by thirty other poorly performed jazz classics. And one Queen song done in a jazz style that made even Q shout for him to stop. 

* * *

A game of never have a I ever revealed strange truths that they swore would never be repeated outside those four walls. But it did explain why 003 always got the easiest missions.

* * *

Bond managed to doze off once, trusting the others to warn him if anything changed. He was, unfortunately, also a light enough sleeper that he woke up everytime Q sneezed.

* * *

Finally they heard the sound of running, guns, and bodies hitting the floor. Instantly they were all alert, poised for, well, something to happen. What happened was the door flying open and them all squinting painfully in the harsh sunlight. 

“Ah that’s where they’ve been keeping you,” the friendly voice of 0016 said. “We’ve nearly brought down the whole building looking for you.”

“Well now you’ve found us, please get these dreaded cuffs off,” Q snapped. 

“With pleasure, Q,” they said. “As long as you promise my reward trip will end in a less disastrous fashion.”

“As if I planned this,” Q shot back, rubbing his wrists and rolling his shoulders. “Besides, you still have six more stars to go. Don’t count your grenades before they go off.”

003 laughed. “I don’t think that’s quite how the saying goes.”

Q sniffed. “It’s the Q Branch version.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and started tapping away. “Let’s see if we can do something about the rest of these walls still standing.”

As 0016 unlocked Bond’s wrists, he couldn’t help but ask, “How do you earn a weekend with Q?”

0016 laughed. “You’re gonna have to get way better at returning equipment 007 before you even get a diner date with our quartermaster.”


End file.
